I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
