I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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