I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
