god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
