y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
