when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
