my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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