Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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