I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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