I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
