Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
