I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
