Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
