Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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