"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
