Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
