I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
