How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
