what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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