youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
