May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
