I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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