Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Don't make out with my wife yet
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
