Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
