she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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