He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
