Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(818): View more from California

Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award

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(308): View more from Nebraska

whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(817): View more from Texas

would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(256): View more from Alabama

IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.

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(727): View more from Florida

Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??

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