You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
