I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
