I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
