Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
