This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
