Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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