i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the day after is always just damage control
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
