No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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