I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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