Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
