I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
