the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
