dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
