Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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