Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
