No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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