I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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