1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
