I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
