i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
