It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
