Why are handjobs necessary in class?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
