Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
