I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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