dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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