i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
