What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
