i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
