Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
