you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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