his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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